A Love Story Doula Services

Danielle & Jeff's Love Story to Isaac

When my husband and I started dating in June 2008, I already had 3 girls from my first marriage. Over a year into our relationship we decided it was time to add to our family with a beautiful baby of our own! When we found out we were pregnant in early summer 2009 it was a dream come true! We were both over the moon and prayed for a healthy baby, no matter the sex (although we both wanted a boy)! We already had three beautiful girls, so Jeff needed a boy in the house! We started preparing a nursery and already had a closet full of clothes, shoes, socks, diapers, toys and more! We had already begun to receive gifts from our family as we anxiously awaited our little bundle of joy! August 9, 2009 I began to bleed a little, that never happened before with any of my previous pregnancies. In a panic Jeff rushed me to the ER to check on our sweet baby, they assured us that he was fine. August 11, 2009 the bleeding was worse, I began to really freak out at this point. Something was not right with my sweet baby. I went and picked Jeff up from work, and we immediately went to my OB's office. During the visit we got to see him, get a couple pictures and hear his strong heartbeat! My doctor  assured us that everything looked and sounded good, and best of all my baby was okay! Then came August 13, 2009 the day my life changed forever. I was playing on the floor with my girls, when I stood up blood gushed everywhere.  In a panic I drove myself to the doctor and called Jeff on the way, I didn't want to make him leave work again for nothing. I remember freaking out on the way there, something was different this time, something felt off. Now that I think about it, I knew that he was gone. When I got there I laid down on the cold table and waited for the doctor to come in. I laid there under the bright florescent lights as my doctor searched around for my baby's heartbeat with a handheld doppler. With every second that passed my heart sunk lower in my stomach, "why isn't she saying anything? why don't I hear that fast heartbeat?". And then with a straight face, my doctor looked at me, paused and said those words that no mother should hear... "I am sorry, I can't find a heartbeat". My heart plummeted into my stomach. I begged her to try again, "lets look again, maybe your wrong, lets do an ultrasound, what if your wrong". She said she was sorry and left the room. I  cleaned the jelly off my belly and sat there in disbelief until I could compose myself enough to walk out into the lobby ALONE. The lobby that is full of pregnant women, pregnant women with living babies inside them. As I left I looked around at all of the smiling pregnant women waiting to be seen. Why are they smiling? Don't they know that my baby is dead? Of course they didn't know, but that didn't stop me from being angry at their happiness. I was sick, I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. Was I being punished? My only job was to protect him, to keep him safe inside me for 9 months, and I couldn't even do that. I felt like a failure, what kind of a mother can't protect her baby? The doctor scheduled an hour long anatomy scan for the next day, August 14, 2009. I was hoping that my doctor was wrong, that the ultrasound tech would find his heartbeat, maybe there was something wrong with the doppler. So I laid there for an hour while they measured him and took pictures. I looked and looked, but there was no movement, there was no heartbeat, my baby was still. It was now a reality, my precious baby, my husbands first child was gone. I asked the ultrasound tech for a picture, the last picture I would ever have of my little man. She asked if I was sure and gave me a funny look. Of course I am sure, that is my child. What kind of a question is that? August 19, 2009 my precious little man Issac Dale was born via medically assisted birth. When I woke up in recovery he was gone, I felt so empty and alone. No one asked if I wanted to hold him or kiss him or just see him. I wish I knew then what I know now, I would have asked for him. I would have held him, kissed him, read him a story, wrapped him in a blankie, taken prints of his tiny hands and feet, whispered how much I loved him in his ear, told him how loved and wanted he was. I would have had a chance to bury him and properly say goodbye. But I didn't get that time with him, why wouldn't they ask me if I wanted to see my son? After I recovered I went home, I don't remember much else for a while other than a lot of crying and sleeping. After a few months we got pregnant, and suffered an early loss that we named Maddelyn Rose and suffered another early loss a few months later that we named Juliette Auslin. I lost 3 precious Angels, and my husbands first 3 children. Why does this keep happening to me? Babies are not suppose to die. Around March 2010 I got pregnant again, I did a lot of research and found a medication called progesterone. I decided I was going to do anything I could to save my baby. I found a doctor who would prescribe me the progesterone because my doctor wouldn't. When my new doctor called me he told me he had called in the medication, I was excited! I called the pharmacy and found out it was almost $299 for a 15 day supply and insurance doesn't cover it because it is controversial and many doctors don't believe that it even works. So I called him back bawling, "I can't afford that, my baby is going to die, I can't loose another baby, please help me". He said he would call me back, when he did he told me he found it at an apothecary shop for $69 for a months supply! I was so ecstatic, not many doctors will go out of their way to help you like that. I took it way longer than they recommend because I was so afraid the moment I stopped taking it my baby would die. When you loose a baby many things change, you are never the same. You have to find your new normal. I didn't realize after my losses that pregnancy would no longer be fun and enjoyable. Every single time I went to the doctor and laid down to get an ultrasound or to hear the heartbeat with the doppler I would hold my breath until I heard the heartbeat or saw movement. Anytime I felt something weird or had a pain I was afraid she was gone. Society teaches us that after a certain point in pregnancy you are safe, there is no safe. But November 24th 2010 at 1:11 PM weighing 7 lbs. 4 oz., our sweet Rainbow Baby Aurelia Jade was born. I always thought it was special that there were 3 signs that day, one from each Angel. Aurelia was born 11-24-10, (first sign) 24-11-10=3 . She was born at 1:11, (second sign) 1+1+1=3 . Final sign, she weighed 7 lbs. 4 oz., 7-4=3. It may just be a coincidence but I don't think so, I think that they were there with their momma & daddy welcoming their little sister into the world and keeping her safe.  A few years later, June 30, 2013 our second rainbow Isabella Paige was born. In February 2017 I finally brought myself to pick up my medical records from Isaac's birth. I wanted to know something about him, anything would do. I couldn't read them until my hubby did, but he came in and told me how long he was. I finally knew a fact about my son, I felt some comfort and peace in knowing that.
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Isaac Dale Russell gained his wings on August 13th 2009, he was born August 19th 2009 and he was 3.8 cm long.  
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 I love you forever lil' peanut. 
​Everything I do, I do it for you.